Vocab Lessons From The Men In My Life


Because sometimes it feels like I’m friends with Urban Dictionary.

Schweff: To be a ‘schweff’ is to be a flirt, I’m told. Best used as a descriptive word- ‘he’s a schweffy thing isn’t he?’ – as a name – ‘Lord and Lady Schweffington’ (W was Lord, I was Lady) ‘Masterschweff’ ‘Superschweffer’ etc – or as a way of explaining someone’s personality – ‘she’s a massive schweff.’ For maximum boredom-induced hilarity, it is recommended that you replace every other word with the word ‘schweff,’ preferably in front of people that have never heard it used before, and will therefore assume you are insane.‘Good afternoon masterschweff, you’re looking particularly schweffy today. Are you ready to get your schweff on with Lord and Lady Schweffington?’

Shpub: Also Shdrink, Shcar, Shfood. Simply by adding ‘Sh’ to the start of a word, you are stating that you don’t like something. Basically means something is rubbish or, more literally, s**t. It’s pretty useful, this one, especially if you want to subtley show disdane in a way no-one around you will pick up on. Or not in a way they can prove they’ve picked up on, anyway.

Slampiece: A lady friend that is not your girlfriend, but is close enough to being your girlfriend to let you sleep with her on a regular basis. Requirements of the slampiece include a good sense of humour, because not everyone in this world will react well to being introduced as a slampiece. Especially when introduced to the family, as is what happened the first time I heard my friend use this to describe another of his friends. ‘Slampiece’ is only to be used in a joking context, preferably when everyone involved has had some wine, but is to be used regularly, because it is hilarious. Can be used by both men and women to describe their significant other. Slampiecing is not gender specific.

Strong: The best way to respond to something if you have no idea what’s going on. ‘Can you do this for me please?’ ‘Strong.’ ‘…So are you going to do it?’ ‘I’m sorry, what?’ Be careful with this one. Even if you start out using it exclusively as a joke, it unfortunately won’t be long before it creeps into your vocab for real, and you find yourself stating that everything is ‘strong,’ with absolutely no idea of why you think something is strong, or why you felt the need to add it onto the end of an already complete sentence. STRONG!

And there we have it, four words (/three words and one word add on) it is apparently essential I am aware of. I’m sure that, one day, the world will be grateful to me for imparting this knowledge.

As for the gentlemen that shared all of this with me? Yes, they are single.

Ladies, form an orderly queue… 😉

*Picture completely irrelevant, although I like to imagine this man is schweffing with his slampiece, and that it is strong, and not in any way shawkward.

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